I'm covering my ears like a kid...

... when your words mean nothing I go La La La! Or, it seems I go 'Ga Ga Ga'. I need to learn to keep my head, I need to learn to listen closely. My heart is weak, and treacherous, and though it fills me with all the hope I think I need, It will, on all counts, betray me. My head is wise. Boring, but wise. She knows the ins and outs of others, and can help me to steer away from trouble. For the past five weeks, I've been ignoring my head out of spite. No more. Tomorrow, I wake up, aware (mostly) of my actions, and put them (mostly) behind me. I change my mantra, I change the meaning of my life, I change my future. I'm sorry, those of you who have been hurt along the way. Take comfort in knowing you will never endure the sheer hatred I have for myself this very night. Take comfort in knowing my eyes do not burn through YOUR skin. Take comfort in knowing my claws are not plucking YOUR heart from YOUR chest. To love and be unloved, this was my burden. No more

What am I supposed to want now? What am I supposed to do?

I'm over existing in limbo, I'm over the myths and placebos, I don't really mind if I just fade away. If I don't know how I feel about myself, how can I expect others to do so? If I don't know what I really want, how can I blame others for not knowing? To One Sick Knave, the knight, I wish all the best. I love you so dearly, and If things were different, I'd never part with you. I'm finding it difficult now to fill my time with things that make me as happy as you always have done. To my King of the North, I feel crushed that you would lie to me. Now I know you can't be trusted, I wish we could have stayed friends, but even I have enough self worth to walk away. And to the young prince in your finest armour, you show such promise, even now, and could win my favour should you wish it, but there is something dark in you. Something that festers, and that makes you so appealing, and at the same time pushes me away. I wish that one of you would prove yourselves. I wish one of you would try to earn my love. I wish my emotions weren't wasted on those who make me question my own existence.

A thousand times I've tempted fate...

... A thousand times I've played this game! Here's a little something I wrote when I was thinking clearly, a little something I penned simply to get it out of my head. This is as I wrote it then, with no edits: 'In the absence of a computer, this will have to do. With a bit of luck, no one, not even me will be able to understand the scrawl that is written here. Historically, alcohol is the best medium for exaggerating emotions, which on a good day can mean fantastic things- I'm glad for you. On a bad day, it can turn a shocking revelation into a life-altering catastrophe. Vodka, I'm glad you are here with me at the end of all things. This is a lesson to society that girls can indeed be friend-zoned too. On an EPIC scale. With the alcohol in control of my emotions, and my emotions in control of my writing, I am almost certain now is not the time to be scribbling down such drivel. At least it can be noted as truth. * * * Shut up EM, you're not doing this again. * * * My trouble is that I build myself up, put on a show, I cant really deal with what lies in front of me- so he will never know how it really affects me. He is out having fun (as I should be) because I told him too. He doesn't yet know I'm going to leave.I can't enjoy myself, and I can't lose it- not now. Sobriety and acceptance are the key. One I can manage for sure... but acceptance, not so much. My heart swells and threatens to stick in my throat. If I know all this is make-believe, why did I succumb?! * * * He is your weakness- and he knows it. * * * Not anymore! * * * This is all too close to home. Leave now. Don't tell anyone. He won't notice. He'll know something is missing, but it'll be Monday before he realises what. * * * Shut up. Man up. * * * Fine. No more flirting. It's far from harmless. This is too close for me now. Thankyou and goodnight.'

Happy New Nothing

So the tides turn again. 2012 came in without a huge bang or commotion of any kind. I slept during the transition, hoping that if I did, it might stay 2011 forever. My hope and happiness were both- unfortunately- short lived.

I made myself a promise last year. One I have already failed to keep. I really wanted this year to be different. Better. I planned to let go of all my baggage, and start afresh as the chilled out, carefree spirit I was once. The will power was there, I was ready to make the change... apparently, I was the only one. Now only 2 days into my final year on the planet, my great vision has been sabotaged by the rest of the human race. Lets hope the Aztecs were on the mark, and that December really is when this entire stupid existence comes to an end. I'm not convinced I can wait a whole 12 months...

Rediscovered

It's been another rollercoaster of a year, full of the ups and downs that come with any lifestyle. On the plus side, I am now sitting in an influential position in the workplace- I cant say I crave the power, or even like my job- It's a means to an end and an opportunity to get saving, but as far as the romantic side is concerned, I am still clinging to a hope that should have long since faded.

Yule is approaching- though in all honesty, I feel far more more 'christmassy' than anything else right now. Everyones pressies are nearly sorted, and I have a whole set of decorations for my room- which is just about finished! I just wish for snow, the rain is making me depressed again.

Now I've re-discovered your secret hiding place, I can keep posting. Hope I don't lose touch again, It's an awfully cold time to be alone...

The Windmills Of My Mind

The knight has fled to a faraway land, in search of greener grass and richer bounties. He lives now in a humble nest, with his page, and a feline companion. He needed a new beginning, a clean slate- but I wish he hadn't left...

I now spend my time alone, thinking much too hard about things I want to forget. Too many ghosts in my head, all howling, all shrieking. I scream back at them until I'm quaking from my very core. These demons of my own creation fill me with dread, and won't leave me be. In the light it's not so bad and I can push them aside for the most part. It's at night that I'm afraid. I don't know how they control me, they should have no power, and yet they terrify me to the point where I hate myself for giving them life at all.

Every Mushroom Cloud Has A Silver Lining

The bomb was dropped,
The earth shook,
The dust settled,
I'm still standing.

I look back now on the path well trod. A bleak city-scape with dilapidated buildings in varying shades of grey lining the street on both sides. It looks like a prison. No wonder it was a turbulent year.
Then I look ahead. The clouds part, and the sun blazes in a bright blue sky, reflecting the dew on each single blade of grass. I edge forward, taking uneasy steps at first, but becoming more confident until i find myself almost striding. It's a good feeling, a warm feeling. I just hope it lasts.

As a clap of thunder roars behind me, I turn on my heels, and am almost blinded by the lightning that strikes. Don't make me go back there.