Nonsense

So... what is it that you could want from me now? I cannot understand the way you work, you peculiar little man.

Sometimes all it takes is for me to be a little brave, a little reckless, before I find myself in an almost happy place. I went adventuring alone, this weekend. And what happened was amazing. I'm not sure how I managed it, but I must have been glowing radiant... drawing the attention of six men all at once. I'm no siren.

The night went well anyway, causing drunken mischief wherever I went... I felt far more pixie than elfin maid. Don't tell the grown-ups. I was out on the dance floor, the belle of the ball, when that all too familiar feeling swelled up inside. The knave was close, and I could sense him before I could even see him.

to be continued...

I remember Halloween...

I've never not felt like a Misfit myself. I guess I just picked the short straw somewhere between this life and the previous. You would think I'd be used to the disappointment by now, but alas, I'm not. I constantly build myself up, and then get completely crushed by those who presume to be 'friends'. Turns out I don't actually have any friends. Not even the knave. No one can sense that there's something wrong again. The switch has flipped. The waterworks begin.

Somewhere, he escapes to another land. It isn't any land that I know of, so I refuse to join him. Tonight I am feeling too fragile for grand adventures. Instead I sit alone in my chamber, and wish that he would notice- not that that would make a mark of difference, to either of us. I was tempted for a moment to forsake my bed, and head over to his castle, but I know that I wouldn't enjoy myself, and could probably damage his good mood in the process. I'm sure I have a bottle of wine around here somewhere...

And then, what's this? My Lancelot appears. A stranger from a distant land, whom I know so well, and yet not at all. He doesn't know magick as such, but he's the type to hold it in respect. He sometimes treats me as lady, but he can be crude. I quite like it at times, and then feel bad for liking it. I know he will never by my king either. That idea I am now quite used to.

Anyway... Happy Halloween you freaks

A Lunar Year...

Wax and wane, wax and wane, wax and wane.

Time hasn't stopped. A great white pimple hanging in the night sky, reminds me of how much time I have wasted. Once upon a time, I thought he would notice this event. But he doesn't know magick any more. He doesn't feel it any more.

Just because he doesn't mean to hurt me, the pain isn't any less real. I stare into the flame of a candle I just lit. Pyrokinesis is a skill I wish I could master. At least pyrodivination seems to work for me. I know my path.

Last night I learnt a valuable lesson... he doesn't want to grow to love me. He wouldn't give us another try because he doesn't want to. For this reason... I'm putting an end to it all. No more soppy letters. No more giving myself to him. No more caving in to my own desires.

From now on... I AM alone.

There Is A Hell...

... believe me, I've seen it. There is a heaven- lets keep it a secret. I'll pretend these words are taken from a better source than they are. I am not 15. I do not have awful taste in music. I convince myself so easily.

A holiday of sorts... just what I need. I stockpile food, and barricade myself in my chamber, trying to keep out the cold, trying to keep out the world. Somewhere out in the wilderness is a man. A lonesome, broken, man.

He's removed his armour now, laid down his sword... the metal grows even heavier in the bitterness of the approaching winter. Now, without his helmet, we can see his world-worn face. The eyes beneath his furrowed brow are not those of a man of 25 years. Old before his time, in a world that isn't his own.

He cant fit in here, not like I can... and though I'd rather be myself with him, if he wont take me, I shall remain half human, on this earthly plane. I dress myself in human gear, line my stomach with human food... but it doesn't feel the same. Nothing fills the void. He will eat his weight in the food from our realm, and quench his thirst with the goblin juice. I envy him, and pity him.

How I wish to leave this cage. This monotonous existence that holds no magick and no meaning. He has such freedom, and yet he bears such a burden. His inability to conform leaves him stranded, outcast. He has such wit, and wisdom, and all I could ask for... all I desire. Yet in this realm, the only currency is gold.

Ghost Of A Rose

Promise me- when you see a white rose, you'll think of me.

There is little left to say now. We are at a crossroads, and I fear we shall each choose a solitary path. I'll never forget you, and I mean that. A wandering bard, out of time, out of place in this busy, fussy world. This human, alien world.

The truth is that for as long as I follow you, I'll be subjected to torment that I have not the strength to withstand. I can't put myself through that. Not anymore. Not if I have a choice.

What we had was a fairytale, wasn't it? Beautiful, and so full of magic. Fairytales don't last. And now the year grows old, and I grow weary of pretending. My 'happy' face begins to fade. The light of the evenstar grows dim. In the growing darkness I see more despair- I must find a new light and cling to it before it's too late. I beg you do the same. I don't want you to be lost. Please do that for me.

Promise me?

When you see a white rose, think of me...

EM

Reading Between The Lines.

For someone who clearly has such an aptitude for reading, he still can't see. I think it's over now. I refuse to say it to his face- then all my dignity would be lost, and he has me on my knees already! How many hints do I need to give? How often will I have to hold my breath to stop me from spilling my heart to him?

This is the closest I have come now to saying it directly. I'm a coward, a coward with a fraction of self respect. I've written the words, where he can see them. He must know they are for him? I feel ashamed. I shouldn't.

I hide my face behind a veil. He doesn't sense me, so talks at me instead. Without me he is lonely...he tells me this. So if he is so despairingly alone, why leave me at all? I would give him all of me, and he'd never be lonely again, and yet he will not have it.

And before this, he demands to know my secrets! My biggest secret is not a secret at all. I could scream it at him and he wouldn't get the picture.

Michael Alexander Ian Kebblewhite, it turns out I love you, you silly man!!

I would rather be alone than pretend I feel alright...

...

that just about covers it doesn't it?! I don't think we can still be friends. Not now. Not ever. I'll not feel alright until i'm yours, but i'm not. Now i'm ready to start moving on. I have to be.

Thankyou for your time.

EM*