That moment, when more than ever, you feel totally alone...

I went out tonight, to a party. Everyone there was younger than me. Everyone there was in a relationship. Everyone there was happy.I was miserable and alone! I shouldn't have gone, I knew that before I even got there... but three glasses of champagne, a double vodka and orange, and 4 sambuca shots later I knew it was going to be a bad night.

He is asleep now- the knight for whom my heart sings. For now, at least, it is no more than a lament, for he is not happy and nor will he be until he knows his own desires. I almost know mine. They are not what they should be at this point. They are strong in me, and oh, so selfish!! I want to snap him up, and carry him off, so that he would be mine. A word with an outsider made me realise tonight just how strong my feelings may be... too strong perhaps in such a small body. Alas I cannot save him from himself...

Earlier on this evening, he told me of his troubles. It doesn't seem right that one so beautiful should suffer so much. I would take his pain upon myself just to spare him. I try to open his eyes to all the beauty of the world...but the darkness seeps back in. It engulfs him, and maybe someday me too. I fear it a little... but at least he'll be with me in the deep black.

I feel so lonely when he's not around. When he's upset, I even cry. He is an extension of myself... and in that sense, I can never leave his side- but what if I end up collapsing under the weight of all this? I cannot tell him how I feel, I think I might love him... and that means trouble- for all of us!