The sun has made a thousand nights for you to hold...

My life could be a BBC drama. The stage is set, the characters cast, and the storyline unfolds so predictably that most of you would tune out.

I'm bored of her games now. Princess or not, she has no right to treat a noble man with such disrespect. He begins to understand, I think, that she plays him. I wish he would lay his cards down and walk away. He gives her an ultimatum, and she calls his bluff. He folds. Part of him will always go back to her...

He was only gone a day or so, but he returned to me in no better shape for having been reunited with his long lost love. I know not what happened, only that he is learning for himself what he wants, and what he needs. She may be royalty, but he is far more precious. I will do my best, with these elfin hands, to see that he is made well again. The sun has made a thousand 'knights' for you to hold?

A double whammy? Why the hell not?!

I'm sitting staring at the inside of my eyelids...

I hear news from the knave...and what's left of my heart shatters like a mirror, and distorts my view of the world. Of life. Of love.
I start to doubt that he was ever what I though him to be. I mustn't do that, I tell myself- he is EXACTLY what I thought him to be. A man of honour. I'm sure I would have fallen in love with him sooner than I should have. I'm already halfway there. Caught in limbo. He is my own beautiful mirage. Always there, as clear as day, and I cant touch him...

I feel sick, and I'm shaking as if the marrow in my bones were on fire. I pray for the strength to say what I need to, but it escapes me. He doesn't know, nor can he ever. He has her now, the one he loves.

I shall go into the west, and diminish...

Don't wake me, coz I'm dreaming of Angels on the moon...

I spent last night talking to the knave. He seems in better spirits, now he can see the end to his wait. He has little patience. But then again, why should the world move faster for him, when it's already veering out of control?! I'm clinging on for dear life as it hurtles along, but I find that if I focus on the moon, it seems to slow a little; and captivated by it's subtle glow, I find a sort of 'Peace' substitute.

I didn't grasp the hang of that last night. The whole beauty of the night thing. I was busy. If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go...

He knows that I'm hurting, and he feels terrible, but he can never see my face as I spill my thoughts onto that endless whiter-than-white scroll. If he could see my tears of black, he'd feel worse, and I can't have that. Not now that I've come this far. Not now that I see 'her' on his horizon.

Do you know, that everyday is the first of the rest of your life?

The First Of Many, I suppose...

Well, I should have tried harder...

A knight in rusty armour rides off into the sunset with a princess. That princess is not me.

As the healer, I can only sit back and watch him go. I fall to my knees, and pray that he will be okay. I worry that his heart will not fare so well in her hands this time... but I must have faith. That's what I'm here for. To be strong. To be strong for him.

Is it wrong that I feel I have lost something? I still have a friend, I think?! I don't like watching him go. It makes me cry a little inside. He doesn't think he's going, but I see it happening from day to day. One day, we won't speak at all, and no amount of preparation will stop the hurt that I'm going to feel.

I resign myself to be the 'back-up plan', for I know it's the best offer I have...