Only The Good Die Young

It's true, what they say. Only the good die young.

When you lose someone close to you it's tough enough, but when they take their own life the scar takes even longer to heal. There are no words. All I can say is that I will always love her, and always miss her. It's a shame I can't be sure that she's in a better place. R.I.P beautiful.

I Never Continue...

I forgot. Again. A little too easily, too. I keep forgetting things, or rather, I keep trying to block things out. I'm glad my brain has devised this 'safety net' so I don't have to cope with remembering how shit life generally is. I made a surprise discovery today, and I am now locked in a state of horror whilst coming to terms with my findings. It transpires that I am a really crap friend. How could I step aside, and let the man I love be torn apart by these vultures?!

He has now fallen silent. I suppose he feels I have let him dowm? I suppose he feels lost? Perhaps he is past feeling? I cannot begin to imagine what he must be going through...how could anyone? I always worry when he is out of contact. I worry when he is in this kind of mood...

I suppose I just ought to wait...

Nonsense

So... what is it that you could want from me now? I cannot understand the way you work, you peculiar little man.

Sometimes all it takes is for me to be a little brave, a little reckless, before I find myself in an almost happy place. I went adventuring alone, this weekend. And what happened was amazing. I'm not sure how I managed it, but I must have been glowing radiant... drawing the attention of six men all at once. I'm no siren.

The night went well anyway, causing drunken mischief wherever I went... I felt far more pixie than elfin maid. Don't tell the grown-ups. I was out on the dance floor, the belle of the ball, when that all too familiar feeling swelled up inside. The knave was close, and I could sense him before I could even see him.

to be continued...

I remember Halloween...

I've never not felt like a Misfit myself. I guess I just picked the short straw somewhere between this life and the previous. You would think I'd be used to the disappointment by now, but alas, I'm not. I constantly build myself up, and then get completely crushed by those who presume to be 'friends'. Turns out I don't actually have any friends. Not even the knave. No one can sense that there's something wrong again. The switch has flipped. The waterworks begin.

Somewhere, he escapes to another land. It isn't any land that I know of, so I refuse to join him. Tonight I am feeling too fragile for grand adventures. Instead I sit alone in my chamber, and wish that he would notice- not that that would make a mark of difference, to either of us. I was tempted for a moment to forsake my bed, and head over to his castle, but I know that I wouldn't enjoy myself, and could probably damage his good mood in the process. I'm sure I have a bottle of wine around here somewhere...

And then, what's this? My Lancelot appears. A stranger from a distant land, whom I know so well, and yet not at all. He doesn't know magick as such, but he's the type to hold it in respect. He sometimes treats me as lady, but he can be crude. I quite like it at times, and then feel bad for liking it. I know he will never by my king either. That idea I am now quite used to.

Anyway... Happy Halloween you freaks

A Lunar Year...

Wax and wane, wax and wane, wax and wane.

Time hasn't stopped. A great white pimple hanging in the night sky, reminds me of how much time I have wasted. Once upon a time, I thought he would notice this event. But he doesn't know magick any more. He doesn't feel it any more.

Just because he doesn't mean to hurt me, the pain isn't any less real. I stare into the flame of a candle I just lit. Pyrokinesis is a skill I wish I could master. At least pyrodivination seems to work for me. I know my path.

Last night I learnt a valuable lesson... he doesn't want to grow to love me. He wouldn't give us another try because he doesn't want to. For this reason... I'm putting an end to it all. No more soppy letters. No more giving myself to him. No more caving in to my own desires.

From now on... I AM alone.

There Is A Hell...

... believe me, I've seen it. There is a heaven- lets keep it a secret. I'll pretend these words are taken from a better source than they are. I am not 15. I do not have awful taste in music. I convince myself so easily.

A holiday of sorts... just what I need. I stockpile food, and barricade myself in my chamber, trying to keep out the cold, trying to keep out the world. Somewhere out in the wilderness is a man. A lonesome, broken, man.

He's removed his armour now, laid down his sword... the metal grows even heavier in the bitterness of the approaching winter. Now, without his helmet, we can see his world-worn face. The eyes beneath his furrowed brow are not those of a man of 25 years. Old before his time, in a world that isn't his own.

He cant fit in here, not like I can... and though I'd rather be myself with him, if he wont take me, I shall remain half human, on this earthly plane. I dress myself in human gear, line my stomach with human food... but it doesn't feel the same. Nothing fills the void. He will eat his weight in the food from our realm, and quench his thirst with the goblin juice. I envy him, and pity him.

How I wish to leave this cage. This monotonous existence that holds no magick and no meaning. He has such freedom, and yet he bears such a burden. His inability to conform leaves him stranded, outcast. He has such wit, and wisdom, and all I could ask for... all I desire. Yet in this realm, the only currency is gold.

Ghost Of A Rose

Promise me- when you see a white rose, you'll think of me.

There is little left to say now. We are at a crossroads, and I fear we shall each choose a solitary path. I'll never forget you, and I mean that. A wandering bard, out of time, out of place in this busy, fussy world. This human, alien world.

The truth is that for as long as I follow you, I'll be subjected to torment that I have not the strength to withstand. I can't put myself through that. Not anymore. Not if I have a choice.

What we had was a fairytale, wasn't it? Beautiful, and so full of magic. Fairytales don't last. And now the year grows old, and I grow weary of pretending. My 'happy' face begins to fade. The light of the evenstar grows dim. In the growing darkness I see more despair- I must find a new light and cling to it before it's too late. I beg you do the same. I don't want you to be lost. Please do that for me.

Promise me?

When you see a white rose, think of me...

EM

Reading Between The Lines.

For someone who clearly has such an aptitude for reading, he still can't see. I think it's over now. I refuse to say it to his face- then all my dignity would be lost, and he has me on my knees already! How many hints do I need to give? How often will I have to hold my breath to stop me from spilling my heart to him?

This is the closest I have come now to saying it directly. I'm a coward, a coward with a fraction of self respect. I've written the words, where he can see them. He must know they are for him? I feel ashamed. I shouldn't.

I hide my face behind a veil. He doesn't sense me, so talks at me instead. Without me he is lonely...he tells me this. So if he is so despairingly alone, why leave me at all? I would give him all of me, and he'd never be lonely again, and yet he will not have it.

And before this, he demands to know my secrets! My biggest secret is not a secret at all. I could scream it at him and he wouldn't get the picture.

Michael Alexander Ian Kebblewhite, it turns out I love you, you silly man!!

I would rather be alone than pretend I feel alright...

...

that just about covers it doesn't it?! I don't think we can still be friends. Not now. Not ever. I'll not feel alright until i'm yours, but i'm not. Now i'm ready to start moving on. I have to be.

Thankyou for your time.

EM*

Losing Hope

I try to convince myself that everything will be okay. I'm just having another 'down' day. I should be grateful that I get to shake it off at home and not completely alienate the people I work with. I fear if they could see me, ripping chunks out of my hair and biting my nails, they'd have me committed.

To be honest, I'm totally sick of myself now. Keeping my own company because nobody else will. Even my 'friends' are not of my world. They don't see the tears I cry. They don't see the hurt I feel. How could they? They're not here

One day, I shall wake up, surrounded by all the good things in the world. One day. Or maybe not.

'I want candy'

Do you now?

Well, diddums... because you ain't gettin' any!

Quoting MC Chris won't help you get what you want tonight. Quoting MC Chris is unlikely to ever help you get that. I feel like i'm letting you down now, though this is most definitely the right thing to do. You want things to be nice... and i'm sure they are, for you.

I have to be nice, because I am weak. I could never say no to you, dear knight. Of course you know, which is why you have these stupid terms. No longer, my dark one. From now I shall be strong enough to withstand your allure.

If our roles were reversed, you would see...

If our roles were reversed, you wouldn't give me candy either!

Despair

I don't mean to be so ultimately pathetic. It's just my nature I suppose. I read through my old posts on a regular basis, and in between teary outbursts, I hate myself for having teary outbursts. I'm trapped in a vicious circle and the one who can save me has already opted not to. So I fall... into a black pit of despair, and sob myself to sleep once again. If only there was room in this tiny fairy frame of mine, for more than one feeling at a time...

With the venomous kiss you gave me....

...

I'm sick of it now. I can't cling to you in hope of regaining what is so obviously lost. I'm killing loneliness with you, a wise man once said. Okay, so it was Ville, but he is wise-ish. And he claims to be a man. He seems to have had the right idea though, about you. I am killing loneliness- with you. And I'm not sure quite what my life would be without you. Time to find out I think.

I can't put up with people making mistakes. I can't tell one more person you are not my boyfriend or I risk being reduced to tears. I know I ought to be saying yes, and that hurts me too much to bear. Why don't you give it a shot?!

'I think I know what to do'...

No, you really don't, do you?!

You want to think you do. But whatever you think now, you won't in five minutes. I can't tell you what's right and what's wrong, I can't tell you what's smart and what's idiocy, and I've already tried giving you my opinion. It didn't make up your mind for you. Why won't you make a decision and stick to it? Just for once.

*hugs*

My powers will protect you from anything- except for yourself. Most of the damage being caused here is self inflicted, and you're not using the right methods to heal.

Content....

...

I've not been so satisfied in a year, at least. A new bond forged with the father... and men staying, for the most part, out of my way. The knave, as per usual seems distant enough to ignore for most of the the day, but close enough to correspond with come sunset.

He flickers in my periphery, like a sprite, unkeen to spend too much time in the light. The light, of course, would do him good. It is because he shuns it, he has ended up this way. He had too much hate in him for his years. A mail soiled in the blood of many... losing those dear to him. A kick in the teeth. Men in war all live to see such times, but this knight, not ready to embrace combat must march alone, without those he loved most.

I wish he would love me most... I wish he would let go of all that hate. Just for a moment. One still, perfect moment. I wish he would let his guard down.

Fate, up against your will...

In scarlet nights I saw you.
So cruelly you kissed me.
Your lips a magick world.

Why on earth must he be so present all the time? I just don't understand. I never needed anything before him, not like this. A taste of something so rich, and beautiful. Like the finest chocolate in all the world- and I can only nibble at it. But I am a chocoholic, we all know that. A nibble won't ever satisfy me, and neither will this half formed idea of niceties. Some things are more sacred to me than they are to others... I do not give my heart lightly, and a true knight of the realm would surely see, and face whatever peril that lay before them...

I know it must be killing time. Perhaps he is not a true knight of the realm. Perhaps he is a milk chocolate peanut in a box of Belgian truffles... perhaps that is the worst comparison I've ever made...

Of Marionettes...

...

I am not your doll, Sir. Not a mere plaything you can throw into a box whenever you please... and I certainly won't be left here on the shelf collecting dust. I think you should gather your memories of me, and make a mental scrapbook. I won't hang around to be treated as some flight of fancy!

I wish I could find your power button, and switch you off for a moments peace- I should be so lucky. One day you fancy an underwear party....

That's the last time I oblige. You lead me on, pulling my strings with such skill, I could call you a master of puppets. And what of your weaknesses...you must have a fair few. I wish I could find what they were... and play with your mind, as you do mine.

Sleep well Puppetmaster, and remember me, when I pack up my things and leave...

Because No-one Reads These Stupid Things Anyway...

...I may as well write what I damn well please.

I am now utterly convinced that I love you. I'm not even sure why. You're not rich, you don't even resemble 'my usual type' and you are certainly not the gentleman you led me to believe you were. Maybe that's just it. Maybe I don't want to love an illusion. Maybe I want to love something real, and imperfect.

You are so imperfect my dearest knight, and amazing to the point that my blood boils every time I see you. I no longer want just to be your elfin healer, for my magick runs far deeper than in just my hands, and far stronger than you know.

I suppose I am meant to have 'curbed my enthusiasm', as it were, but I have unwittingly and unwillingly fallen harder and faster than imaginable. Maybe I should leave my little elf brains splattered on the wall, for you to remember me by. I doubt you'll manage to get a sensible sentence out of me again for a while.

I had a dream last night, of you and I. We were at a ball, and there was dancing. Turns out you clean up rather well, but then even I managed to look like a lady for the evening. You were wearing a suit, and I a blue satin dress... the colour of the sky at night. I wore diamond earrings, and I stood watching them glinting in your eyes, which had chosen to be more brown than green on that particular occasion. I don't know what this dream represents, if anything, but it was nice all the same.

There is more for me to say. Much more. But you will never lay your eyes upon this, and I am not emotionally equipped to tell you face to face.

I'm just waiting for you to love me, I suppose.

Oops!!

I never did finish my post in the morning, did I? I think my life will end up being just a huge compilation of things that I start, then tire of and never complete. Yes. From here I can see a half empty cup of water, a half eaten swiss roll, and a number of canvases I've started working on this year, that will never see the walls of a gallery or even the outside of this room. The thing that sticks out the most? I could draw a line down the centre of this space, clearly dividing the side I've tidied, and the side I haven't. My own quarters, my own patch of colour in this other dreary grey world- half finished for eternity. That is a scary thought, indeed!

You may notice that I'm writing in many short sentences. Kinda 'spiky' sounding. I like it! It's a bit new for me... I think it's because I'm in a spiky sort of mood these days. More on edge and alert these days. Talking of which- Nigh all!!

As It Occurs To Me- or A.I.O.T.M (A.I.O.T.M)...

... I seem only to be capable of writing blogs at stupid o'clock at night. I ought to be sleeping, soundly, in my own bed for once. After 2 nights on a hard wooden floor, it seems like luxury. That a knave should allow a maid to sleep on the floor!! "Pah!!"
I don't really mind so much. He is a grump in the morning as it is, so I'd rather lessen his burden and have him rest comfortably. If nothing else, sleeping on the floor teaches me to be humble...

Our venture to London yesterday was not a total disaster, but definitely a near miss. I returned without a pierced nose, and little money to my name. Now I must somehow get through the next three days with only £4... I give up??
I spent far too much, and have too little to show for it. At least £40 went on that most essential commodity. Alcohol. Yum. Then, obviously, there was lunch to pay for. Not that I can really call it lunch. It was a snack, really.

*Pause For Effect*

I'll carry this on in the morning... way too tired!! Night, All xx

Another Act...

...another show you play, realise you could not make your problems go away...

And yet the more I pretend I am coping, the more I discover that truly, I'm not. I guess I thought my feelings would gradually grow lesser. Erm... No!! Not in the slightest, in fact. Almost the opposite. In my head, I begin to compile a list of things I 'love' about him. Not 'like' That is worrying, yes??

* I love the way he looks in the morning, when his hair is a total mess and his eyes will only open halfway * I love the face he pulls when he puts his contact lenses in. That little 'pokey out tongue' face * I love that sometimes his eyes are green, and sometimes they are brown * I love that little tuft of hair halfway between his left shoulder blade and his spine * I love (to my own annoyance) when he pings my panties, or my bra sometimes... and he says 'ping' *

I could go on... about how I feel when he pulls me into bed... and other such things. But that's called Masochism. He's told me firmly where we stand. It's not that I don't know. It's more a case of my reluctance to accept it.

So I put on a face... and so I shall, for as long as I must...

Just a feeling...

Things are getting worse. Not in any terribly dramatic way, but I can feel it happening. I think the butterflies in my stomach have laid eggs- and that during the past couple of months, when I've been slightly more relaxed, they have been cocooned. I'm pretty sure what I felt two days ago was a mass breakout.
Great timing too, it has to be said. Now I can be horribly unsettled when I return to work. Grrr...

A knight sits on the ground, polishing his armour ready for the next round of life. So far it has not defeated him, just pounded him into the ground with excruciating force. The only battle he's won outright in a long time is now just a by-gone victory, I would think he barely remembers what it felt like... He picks himself up, plants his feet a couple of paces apart, and unsheaths his sword...

He is brave in his own way. He had never presented me with the head of any fabled monster, but in reality, what he faces is far more daunting. I wish I understood what it meant to be a warrior of the realm. Shut in my tower, he was the only glimpse of such a world that I'd ever been exposed to.

I hope next time the butterflies decide to shake me up, he is there to see it... I would stop one in the air, and pin it to his heart, that he should wear it until they leave me...

Midsummer special!!

Yesterday was midsummers day, and it felt like it. The weather was just as it should have been, the birds were singing, and there was just enough of a breeze as to keep me from passing out.
I've been in the company of one certain knave for eight months now, and he certainly isn't making it easy for me... For the record, we are 'casually seeing each other'. This means that I'm in limbo. I have too much of him now to let go, but not enough to cling to.
He came with me and dad to the west country yesterday- and enjoyed himself, so far as I can tell... but who knows? This remarkable knight, with his many dimensions... I rather wish at times he wasn't so complex... see now, I regret saying that, for it is one thing of many that I love about him

*sigh*

Basically, what I'm trying to say is: Today is June 22nd, and I'm confused!!

Having Moved On...

...it seems strange to me, that he has now made some sort of decision. I mourned for him as if he were dead. For all intents and purposes, I needed him to be. It cut deep enough to leave a scar.

Not seeing him for nearly three weeks did me no favours. Not seeing him for a lifetime would surely kill me?! When I did see him, this Thursday just passed, I was filled again with all the fire that raged when we were together...I nearly burned up! As long as I don't burn out, I'm not too concerned.

I only hope he has more surprises to offer, but i refuse to get my hopes up...

Re-live and Regret

I feel it would be wise to compile a list of rules to live by. I seem to screw things up far too often, and rarely learn from mistakes. Perhaps an emotional adjustment would be possible? I wish!

So here is the list so far:

1) When a relationship ends... DON'T cling to the hope that it may be re-kindled!
2) DON'T attempt to be your ex partners best friend- it's torture!
3) If you weren't already in love with the ex partner, DON'T stick around and wait to fall!

You would have thought that's pretty basic stuff- yet I didn't have the mind to see it. Stupid, over-emotional loser!!

That moment, when more than ever, you feel totally alone...

I went out tonight, to a party. Everyone there was younger than me. Everyone there was in a relationship. Everyone there was happy.I was miserable and alone! I shouldn't have gone, I knew that before I even got there... but three glasses of champagne, a double vodka and orange, and 4 sambuca shots later I knew it was going to be a bad night.

He is asleep now- the knight for whom my heart sings. For now, at least, it is no more than a lament, for he is not happy and nor will he be until he knows his own desires. I almost know mine. They are not what they should be at this point. They are strong in me, and oh, so selfish!! I want to snap him up, and carry him off, so that he would be mine. A word with an outsider made me realise tonight just how strong my feelings may be... too strong perhaps in such a small body. Alas I cannot save him from himself...

Earlier on this evening, he told me of his troubles. It doesn't seem right that one so beautiful should suffer so much. I would take his pain upon myself just to spare him. I try to open his eyes to all the beauty of the world...but the darkness seeps back in. It engulfs him, and maybe someday me too. I fear it a little... but at least he'll be with me in the deep black.

I feel so lonely when he's not around. When he's upset, I even cry. He is an extension of myself... and in that sense, I can never leave his side- but what if I end up collapsing under the weight of all this? I cannot tell him how I feel, I think I might love him... and that means trouble- for all of us!

A speck in the dust...

The vultures descend and begin to pick at the little flesh that's left on the humanoid corpse... Where once a maiden stood with white, elfin limbs, now only tatters of linen and hollow bones lie. She wandered this earth alone for too long...
Cruel winds whipped her face, and the beating sun stung her lips like a thousand wasps with no remorse. It offered no warmth. No comfort.

To anyone on the outside- she would be just another nameless casualty... but there is one who would care. Another traveller. His contempt for this empty planet keeps him moving. Too long in one place and he will become disenchanted with life. It is with him that our dearest Nimrodel would have escaped. She never stopped waiting. She died waiting.

Make me one with everything... and other punch lines...

Dear One,

How can there be any reasonable explanation for this? Every second that you're not here seems like a minute, and every minute is like an hour. It's not fun. Not fun at all...

It's made worse because I see you too often. We are now barely separable. I'm probably seeing you now when you're not there, and it worries me... too bad when you finally go for good. I would beg you not to go where I can't follow, but it would be useless. You are a free spirit if ever there was one, and companionship does not suit you as well as you or I would believe. Maybe one day- when you are not so wild, so restless.

Is it selfish to wish that it will be soon? Is it selfish to have a hope?
Forgive me,

Yours eternally, EM

How to stop an Exploding Man...

...I can't

The sun has made a thousand nights for you to hold...

My life could be a BBC drama. The stage is set, the characters cast, and the storyline unfolds so predictably that most of you would tune out.

I'm bored of her games now. Princess or not, she has no right to treat a noble man with such disrespect. He begins to understand, I think, that she plays him. I wish he would lay his cards down and walk away. He gives her an ultimatum, and she calls his bluff. He folds. Part of him will always go back to her...

He was only gone a day or so, but he returned to me in no better shape for having been reunited with his long lost love. I know not what happened, only that he is learning for himself what he wants, and what he needs. She may be royalty, but he is far more precious. I will do my best, with these elfin hands, to see that he is made well again. The sun has made a thousand 'knights' for you to hold?

A double whammy? Why the hell not?!

I'm sitting staring at the inside of my eyelids...

I hear news from the knave...and what's left of my heart shatters like a mirror, and distorts my view of the world. Of life. Of love.
I start to doubt that he was ever what I though him to be. I mustn't do that, I tell myself- he is EXACTLY what I thought him to be. A man of honour. I'm sure I would have fallen in love with him sooner than I should have. I'm already halfway there. Caught in limbo. He is my own beautiful mirage. Always there, as clear as day, and I cant touch him...

I feel sick, and I'm shaking as if the marrow in my bones were on fire. I pray for the strength to say what I need to, but it escapes me. He doesn't know, nor can he ever. He has her now, the one he loves.

I shall go into the west, and diminish...

Don't wake me, coz I'm dreaming of Angels on the moon...

I spent last night talking to the knave. He seems in better spirits, now he can see the end to his wait. He has little patience. But then again, why should the world move faster for him, when it's already veering out of control?! I'm clinging on for dear life as it hurtles along, but I find that if I focus on the moon, it seems to slow a little; and captivated by it's subtle glow, I find a sort of 'Peace' substitute.

I didn't grasp the hang of that last night. The whole beauty of the night thing. I was busy. If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go...

He knows that I'm hurting, and he feels terrible, but he can never see my face as I spill my thoughts onto that endless whiter-than-white scroll. If he could see my tears of black, he'd feel worse, and I can't have that. Not now that I've come this far. Not now that I see 'her' on his horizon.

Do you know, that everyday is the first of the rest of your life?

The First Of Many, I suppose...

Well, I should have tried harder...

A knight in rusty armour rides off into the sunset with a princess. That princess is not me.

As the healer, I can only sit back and watch him go. I fall to my knees, and pray that he will be okay. I worry that his heart will not fare so well in her hands this time... but I must have faith. That's what I'm here for. To be strong. To be strong for him.

Is it wrong that I feel I have lost something? I still have a friend, I think?! I don't like watching him go. It makes me cry a little inside. He doesn't think he's going, but I see it happening from day to day. One day, we won't speak at all, and no amount of preparation will stop the hurt that I'm going to feel.

I resign myself to be the 'back-up plan', for I know it's the best offer I have...