It's been another rollercoaster of a year, full of the ups and downs that come with any lifestyle. On the plus side, I am now sitting in an influential position in the workplace- I cant say I crave the power, or even like my job- It's a means to an end and an opportunity to get saving, but as far as the romantic side is concerned, I am still clinging to a hope that should have long since faded.
Yule is approaching- though in all honesty, I feel far more more 'christmassy' than anything else right now. Everyones pressies are nearly sorted, and I have a whole set of decorations for my room- which is just about finished! I just wish for snow, the rain is making me depressed again.
Now I've re-discovered your secret hiding place, I can keep posting. Hope I don't lose touch again, It's an awfully cold time to be alone...
Monday 12 December 2011
Sunday 14 August 2011
The Windmills Of My Mind
The knight has fled to a faraway land, in search of greener grass and richer bounties. He lives now in a humble nest, with his page, and a feline companion. He needed a new beginning, a clean slate- but I wish he hadn't left...
I now spend my time alone, thinking much too hard about things I want to forget. Too many ghosts in my head, all howling, all shrieking. I scream back at them until I'm quaking from my very core. These demons of my own creation fill me with dread, and won't leave me be. In the light it's not so bad and I can push them aside for the most part. It's at night that I'm afraid. I don't know how they control me, they should have no power, and yet they terrify me to the point where I hate myself for giving them life at all.
I now spend my time alone, thinking much too hard about things I want to forget. Too many ghosts in my head, all howling, all shrieking. I scream back at them until I'm quaking from my very core. These demons of my own creation fill me with dread, and won't leave me be. In the light it's not so bad and I can push them aside for the most part. It's at night that I'm afraid. I don't know how they control me, they should have no power, and yet they terrify me to the point where I hate myself for giving them life at all.
Saturday 4 June 2011
Every Mushroom Cloud Has A Silver Lining
The bomb was dropped,
The earth shook,
The dust settled,
I'm still standing.
I look back now on the path well trod. A bleak city-scape with dilapidated buildings in varying shades of grey lining the street on both sides. It looks like a prison. No wonder it was a turbulent year.
Then I look ahead. The clouds part, and the sun blazes in a bright blue sky, reflecting the dew on each single blade of grass. I edge forward, taking uneasy steps at first, but becoming more confident until i find myself almost striding. It's a good feeling, a warm feeling. I just hope it lasts.
As a clap of thunder roars behind me, I turn on my heels, and am almost blinded by the lightning that strikes. Don't make me go back there.
The earth shook,
The dust settled,
I'm still standing.
I look back now on the path well trod. A bleak city-scape with dilapidated buildings in varying shades of grey lining the street on both sides. It looks like a prison. No wonder it was a turbulent year.
Then I look ahead. The clouds part, and the sun blazes in a bright blue sky, reflecting the dew on each single blade of grass. I edge forward, taking uneasy steps at first, but becoming more confident until i find myself almost striding. It's a good feeling, a warm feeling. I just hope it lasts.
As a clap of thunder roars behind me, I turn on my heels, and am almost blinded by the lightning that strikes. Don't make me go back there.
Thursday 31 March 2011
Blogtime :/
I've done the very same thing again. I told him I was leaving, and then caved in. Such a fool!
He's playing the suicide card again... if it was anyone else I'd let it slide, but with his history I'd rather find out that he's okay- even if it means breaking my silence. I did text him today and it turns out he's alive. He's sober now (which is a start) but still doesnt understand why I cant be his friend. Yes Michael, it's because I want you to suffer! And i had supposed him to be intelligent. One day he'll get it, I'm sure. The question is when- I can't wait forever!
This time I'm munching on mini eggs because wine is apparently an alcoholic beverage and is therefore very bad for me. Who knew?! I think really that chocolate is probably my biggest vice, and that a crate of wine would infact have been far less harmful. Rose or white if you're offering. Or red if you plan on bringing me a nice steak too. Or a stake- you know, like the ones for killing vamps and all that. If I'm going to cut off my heart, I might as well cut it out.
This doesn't really flow does it?! Ah well. I've always been told I couldn't write an essay, so writing after years of not being in a classroom is a miracle in itself.
My main problem is structuring. The fabric of my writing is unstable, but the topic of my writing is also that way inclined, and the mind from which it comes is well and truly fucked. At least I never deluded myself with the idea of writing novels and being a published author. Oh wait, I did. Never mind. I'd rather sit here and rot. I can't be arsed to write anymore now. Basically I'm lonely. Again.
He's playing the suicide card again... if it was anyone else I'd let it slide, but with his history I'd rather find out that he's okay- even if it means breaking my silence. I did text him today and it turns out he's alive. He's sober now (which is a start) but still doesnt understand why I cant be his friend. Yes Michael, it's because I want you to suffer! And i had supposed him to be intelligent. One day he'll get it, I'm sure. The question is when- I can't wait forever!
This time I'm munching on mini eggs because wine is apparently an alcoholic beverage and is therefore very bad for me. Who knew?! I think really that chocolate is probably my biggest vice, and that a crate of wine would infact have been far less harmful. Rose or white if you're offering. Or red if you plan on bringing me a nice steak too. Or a stake- you know, like the ones for killing vamps and all that. If I'm going to cut off my heart, I might as well cut it out.
This doesn't really flow does it?! Ah well. I've always been told I couldn't write an essay, so writing after years of not being in a classroom is a miracle in itself.
My main problem is structuring. The fabric of my writing is unstable, but the topic of my writing is also that way inclined, and the mind from which it comes is well and truly fucked. At least I never deluded myself with the idea of writing novels and being a published author. Oh wait, I did. Never mind. I'd rather sit here and rot. I can't be arsed to write anymore now. Basically I'm lonely. Again.
Trying to get along:
I can try and move on all I like, but it wont work. Going out seems like a good idea, but I cant get into the swing of it. I cant stay in because youre always on my mind then too. This is meant to be a blog, but i've turned it into a collection of letters for you. Great! I've found something else i cant do.
(previously unpublished)
(previously unpublished)
Valentines, Schmalentines...
It's that day of the year again. Eurgh! Thanks to the knave, I'm home alone, listning to angry music, and pretending not to exist. It's not really working, but I suppose It's a step up from watching a soppy film and getting drunk by myself. That's what I was doing this time last year. I'm determined to not go back. Not from here. I'm still miserable, and have a long way to go, but I feel more stable than I have done in quite some time.
(previously unpublished)
(previously unpublished)
Living The Tarot: Card one of the Major Arcana...
The fool... is that what you think I am?
I am not a fool for you like you'd believe. I'm playing you as much as you're playing me, and if anything I'm probably better at it than you! I am hurt of course that you have turned out to be such a disgusting example of a man, but I must admit that I am not altogether surprised.
(previously unpublished)
I am not a fool for you like you'd believe. I'm playing you as much as you're playing me, and if anything I'm probably better at it than you! I am hurt of course that you have turned out to be such a disgusting example of a man, but I must admit that I am not altogether surprised.
(previously unpublished)
Sunday 6 March 2011
One wrong turn...
... is enough to counter out all acts of virtue and kindness, i learned today.
So i'm in one of thoses places where i want to move on but im still in love with you. I try to think of bad things. Things that would make me hate you. I cant. I resort to that old language we sometimes use. Then a phrase pops in to my head. There was a wandering fool who used it once. Richard Herring. He wasnt that much of a fool I guess, at least he knew the bible is fake! I write it down. Its like when you wear brown and black at the same time. In some light you can just about make it work, but then step into the next room and wham! directly under a halogen it looks really bad.
When the eyes of a maiden with more virtue than I happen to spot this total load of crap ive produced, I can understand why she'd be less than impressed. Your sister is awesome. My sister would never tell me if someone was being a bitch about me.
Anyway. I just think this has been taken totally out of context. I think im entitled to bitch about you. You can be a horrible person at times. Not to me obviously. I wish you would be. Then I could move on without feeling guilt. I cant do that now. Not when I have to tell people that im in love with one who wont be with me. Not when I defend you 24/7 against those who'd knock you clean out. Not when I write letters I cant post, type emails I cant send. Not when I write blogs that no one ever reads.
It sucks so much to love you, but you dont even know it!!
So i'm in one of thoses places where i want to move on but im still in love with you. I try to think of bad things. Things that would make me hate you. I cant. I resort to that old language we sometimes use. Then a phrase pops in to my head. There was a wandering fool who used it once. Richard Herring. He wasnt that much of a fool I guess, at least he knew the bible is fake! I write it down. Its like when you wear brown and black at the same time. In some light you can just about make it work, but then step into the next room and wham! directly under a halogen it looks really bad.
When the eyes of a maiden with more virtue than I happen to spot this total load of crap ive produced, I can understand why she'd be less than impressed. Your sister is awesome. My sister would never tell me if someone was being a bitch about me.
Anyway. I just think this has been taken totally out of context. I think im entitled to bitch about you. You can be a horrible person at times. Not to me obviously. I wish you would be. Then I could move on without feeling guilt. I cant do that now. Not when I have to tell people that im in love with one who wont be with me. Not when I defend you 24/7 against those who'd knock you clean out. Not when I write letters I cant post, type emails I cant send. Not when I write blogs that no one ever reads.
It sucks so much to love you, but you dont even know it!!
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